Invitation To The Dance

May I Have This Dance? Alexander Mark Rossi (FL. 1870-1903)
My Father has a saying: "if you don't ask for it, the answer is automatically 'no,'" meaning, that if you don't gather your courage to ask for something that you feel is beyond your reach, you may be passing up a prime opportunity to get it, regardless.  Over the years, I have benefitted greatly by utilizing this notion, even conservatively.  The lesson that should be taught in tandem with this idea, however, is that you are not, in return, entitled to a "yes," just because you asked.

I used to think that the key to success lay within the abundance of "yeses" one could distribute and follow through on.  I would go out of my way, bend over backwards, to accommodate the fulfillment of the requests of others.  Surely these favors would come back to me tenfold, no?  I took on projects, classes, performances, dances with with people I just didn't feel like dancing with, all with a sense of obligation to be a good member of my dance community.  I was tired, operating below my abilities, and miserable.  Then an amazing thing happened--I told someone "no."  For ten seconds, I felt the pangs of guilt, empathized with their disappointment, feared that they would be hurt--and then, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief.

The problem has not evaporated that simply, however.  Even today at social dances I observe, and become involved in, countless interactions in which it is clear that the party asking for a dance expects a "yes."  They wear every ounce of their ego on their sleeve and in their countenance as they inquire, making it nigh impossible for the recipient of such an invitation to not feel that rejecting the offer would be akin to crushing the wings of a butterfly.  "But, I'm leaving after this song...,"  "But you're going to make an exception for me, right?," or my personal favorite: "You OWE me a dance!"  Somehow the graceful art of accepting a "no," politely, and with dignity, has vanished--and the respect for the art of giving one, with it.

Over the past month I have observed as well as listened to numerous accounts of dancers attempting to give a polite "no," to a dance invitation.  Perhaps they were tired, not in the mood, had someone else in mind to dance with--regardless, the "no" was not intended as an insult.  It most likely meant "not right now," rather than "not a chance in hell, you bumbling fool!"  The polite "no," said with a smile is a prime opportunity for the inquirer to depart the situation with dignity and a smile, and hope for better luck next time--but do they take the hint?  Of course not!  Instead, they become pushy, attempt to flirt, they bristle, plead their case for a "yes,"--all reactions that make them less desirable to dance with by the second, and make reaching the ultimate outcome a painfully awkward experience.

It is true, we live in fast-paced, straight-forward, modern times, where men and women are expected to be assertive, not take "no" for an answer, and where it is commonplace to relentlessly pursue what we want.  This may be effective for some, but I have learned that it doesn't work for me--not on the dance floor, anyhow.  I made a pact two weeks ago with a friend to politely say "no," to the next person we really did not feel like dancing with.  If it is to you, then I urge you not to feel slighted--I may be saving you from an "off" dance on my part, or I may just not be in the mood to dance with you.  Either way, please do us both a favor and try to accept it with the same politeness with which I am attempting to give it.

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